I Wanna Be Ann’s Man!

I love older women and Ann Coulter fits the bill since she has chalked 10 years more than me. Every time I see her the Oak Ridge Boys break into harmony…“Ann Coulter, would be a beautiful lover, I said Ann Coulter, she’d understand, I’ve been dreamin’ some, that I will discover, that Ann Coulter knows just how to please this man.”

Honestly though, how does a Regular Joe ever have a prayer of dating a hottie with celebrity status? How do I as a regular Joe get into that celeb circle? I don’t wanna have to work as a waiter where they frequent, or clean their pool, or be a Manny. That is servant status and I don’t want to present myself as such. I’m talkin’ us everyday relatively successful regular guys that dwell in cube-a-cells, or behind wheels, or on construction sites, or simply put, those of us who are not seven-figure affluent via inheritance, business, or entertainment. That’s all I see. I see heiress whores “interfacing” with fellow brats of billionaires. We see actor with actress, actress with musician, musician with athlete, athlete with model, model with actor, actor with producer, producer with actress, on and on. I do understand why it is this way. Gold-diggers (think Heather Mills) and nutcases (think Heather Mills) are real threats.  I also realize celeb careers have similar lifestyles; crazy schedules and lots of travel. Johnny Cash is a good example; his first marriage to Vivian Liberto had lots of issues (drugs, infidelity), but one part that played a factor in their demise was her griping about his constant absence from touring. That knot eventually unraveled, but his marriage to June was a much better fit since they were both musicians living similar lives.

I can think of some commoner/celeb relationships but most of them began before the fame and either lasted (think Alan Jackson) and so far so good Chris Daughtry.  Or it ended when the fame destroyed it in some shape or form (think Jim Carrey). Other commoner/celeb relationships really aren’t relationships, but more like hook-ups. The peasant comes in the form of waitress, flight-attendant, or pappafarzzi, but the whole thing is depicted in the media like the celeb went slummin’.

I digress, returning to my original thought, how do I get a date with Ann without coming across as a nutcase or a gold-digger? I’m beginning to think it is almost impossible. I think the only way that has real potential is if you happen to work with or are friends with a celebs relative. For instance, Tyra Banks, her brother is an Air Force officer as I was. If I had been assigned to the same base and got to know him and became friends I could eventually have met Tyra in a normal and safe environment such as his home when she visited. The closest I got was when he was stationed in D.C. and I was in Hampton Roads, VA, so close! Another almost brush with celebrity I had was when I worked with Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s sister in Iowa of all places. Mary would rarely come visit her family because they were spread all over the U.S. and she was living in Europe, so she would fly them all to one of her homes in Italy for annual get-togethers. I was friendly with her very nice sister but not close enough to make inroads to Mary’s celeb connections.

I answered my own question; unless I meet some of Ann’s family somehow I can forget it. I guess I must accept I will never be Ann’s man. I will just have to be content reading her books/columns, watching her television spots, and staring at her “I Am A Luce Lady” poster on my wall. Speaking of Luce women, Michelle Malkin is right there with Ann in the looks department and matches her intellect so she is the hottest married woman on Earth. Her poster is on my wall, and I read her books/columns and watch her TV spots, but she is disqualified due to her marital status, so I can’t pine for her like I do Ann.

Ann, as you scour the Internet for material towards your next piece, you may come across my blog and you’re reading this right now; how ’bout dinner at my place?  You can trust me, I won’t lock you down Annie Wilkes style, honest!